famous funny quotessss :D

• If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. -- Dave Allen
• When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. -- Gracie Allen
• When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile. -- George Burns
• As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... -- Sir Norman Wisdom
• I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids! -- Milton Berle
• A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back! -- Jerry Dennis
• If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty
• In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -- Margaret Thatcher
• Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them. -- Dick Van Dyke
• All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something. -- Miguel De Cervantes
• Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend. -- Marcel Achard
• Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend. -- Zenna Schaffer
• How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. -- Steve Martin
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields
• There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly. -- Helen Rowland
• Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. -- Jean Kerr
• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman
• The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. -- Tom Clancy
• Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? -- Roseanne Barr
• When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief. -- Henry Fielding
• There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age. -- Benjamin Spock
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? -- Stephen Wright
• I try to do the right thing with money. Save a dollar here and there, clip some coupons. Buy ten gold chains instead of 20. Four summer homes instead of eight. -- L L Cool J
• Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???' -- Billy Connolly
• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.' -- Joe Namath
• Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. -- Samuel Butler
• My mother never saw the irony in calling myself a son-of-a bitch. -- Jack Nicholson
• I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality. -- George W. Bush
• I can resist everything except temptation. -- Oscar Wilde
• You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. -- Stephen King fromHearts in Atlantis.
• Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers
• If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein
• You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. -- Chris Rock
• A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy. -- Jerry Seinfield
• A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too! -- Jay Leno
• In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity. -- Konrad Adenauer
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. -- Brian Pickrell
• The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits -- Albert Einstein
• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein

from amusingquotes.com